My Faith

Why?

up until I was fourteen or fifteen, I believed in the abstract concept of a singular, all-powerful God, but I wasn't raised to believe any specific religion and didn't know anything about doctrine. the one thing I was told to believe was that Jesus was a very good person that we should aspire to, but he wasn't the son of God. I didn't know what praying was supposed to be like, so I only prayed for miracles, which of course led to me losing my faith when God didn't help me during my most desperate moment.

I was never a "facts and logic" type atheist, but I still have this part of me that often thinks, "well, you know that isn't really true, right?" whenever I give respect to my more unconventional beliefs. this part is also psychology-inclined and believes it's unhealthy for me to engage with what it views as psychosis. it isn't curious to know why I would choose to believe something that can't be proven using science, so I figured I'd explain that here, for the sake of meeting this part and anyone like it in the middle.

I was thinking about synchronicity, the interconnectedness of all things, and alternate timelines long before I knew to call them spiritual beliefs. because of that, they got labeled as part of my psychosis. I took pills and constantly told myself that none of it was real, but the beliefs never went away. I simply taught myself to think that my way of connecting things was wrong, so I stopped feeling good about my place in the world. this led to me developing delusions and paranoia. the only way I could make sense of the interconnectness of all things not being real was by believing that the world stopped existing past my perception of it. I thought I was in a simulation because I wasn't allowed to just see the world for what I thought it was. wouldn't it just be better for me to believe something kinda weird than to completely disconnect from any semblance of reality because I'm not allowed to?

I had a near-death experience in college that involved me being pulled backwards out of my body towards a distant light somewhere behind my head. up until that point, my life had just been a never-ending downward spiral from as far back as I could remember. I needed something to change, and one of the things I hadn't tried already was genuine faith, not just the passive stuff I believed as a kid. I chose not to listen to my agnostic/atheist friends that tried to explain the light as something neurological and took a bunch of "what religion am I" quizzes until it recommended Unitarian Universalism. I've seen Christians joke about my religion being more of a book club than anything else and yeah, that's fair, but that's what I like about it. what I wanted more than anything was community, not a set of strict beliefs to follow. unlike my non-religious friends, no UU tried to tell me what really happened during my near-death experience. it doesn't matter whether that light behind my head was the force of the universe pulling me in or a neurological thing. what matters is that it helped me find a space full of like-minded people who accept me for who I am and want the world to be a better place in the same way that I do.

I understand the instinct to push away religion as a collection of fantasy stories that justify bigotry, but I really implore anyone that considers themselves scientifically-minded to think a little harder about it. as someone that's very into science, I don't think that spirituality is unscientific. in our pursuit of scientific knowledge, however, we've created rules for testing that spirituality can't fit into, often intentionally, and the people who are uncomfortable with religion use that to argue it's all a hoax or mass delusion. if I were to stop using spiritual language to describe my beliefs and go back to telling myself it's not real, the experiences that made me believe them will still be here, left unexplained. someone can be struggling to make a decision about something in private, go to their place of worship for a regular service, and be given the answers through symbolism that their faith leader would have no way of knowing was applicable to them. rituals that burn herbs and draw from supposed crystal energy can't literally warp the fabric of reality, and yet a practicing witch still notices how a luck spell they've cast changes their life. there is more to a spiritual belief than the feeling that it's true. doesn't that make you curious?

Shared Values

I'm a Unitarian Universalist, and usually when I tell people that I have some explaining to do. yes, we have a Sunday service in a church, but no it is not Christian. Unitarian Universalism is a religion without dogma or creed. instead, we all believe in six shared values, all surrounding Love at the center. I am not going to explain what each of those mean in a broad sense, you can read about that here, but I will talk about what each of them mean to me.

Interdependence is about community, as we are all spiritually connected and mutually depend on each other for joy and fulfillment. it also relates to my view on synchronicity, the interconnectedness of all things and the holistic approach I need to understand them. spiritual mindfulness is important, but many of my most affirming spiritual experiences happen in a group setting.

Pluralism is about accepting and embracing diversity. UU is an incredibly progressive religion; my church is full of people with all different faiths (Jews, Pagans, Christians, etc) as well as atheists and agnostics. we celebrate a wealth of holidays and cultural practices, so long as there's someone in the church that personally practices those things to avoid cultural appropriation. my church is full of trans people, many of which are actual church staff, and I'm not even the only neopronoun user!! while I still sometimes slip back into old shut-in habits, I know that my church is a safe place to talk about my unconventional beliefs without being judged.

Justice means we work towards making the world a better place. for me, faith and politics are inseperable. back when I joined my local DSA, my ability to connect and do work with them felt very hindered by the lack of a central location and the usual big tent leftist organization issues. my church fulfills all my needs while doing a lot of the same work in regards to social justice, but from a place of love and compassion always.

Transformation is one of the other things that makes UU such a progressive faith, but the adaption to an ever-changing world also happens in a personal level. my church has a lot to say about loving our imperfect selves and growing with each other, and that's what I'm all about. I'm not perfect and never have been, but I take comfort in my willingness to grow, and knowing that I'm surrounded by people who feel the same way is really encouraging.

Generosity isn't just about giving, but being grateful and having hope. the most important thing for me as a leftist is to have hope be the driving force behind my actions, because while I understand why the average leftist would feel hopeless about the state of things, I just collapse if I think there's no point. I'm very grateful for life now that I've climbed out of the hole that is chronic suicidality and unaddressed trauma, even though my life circumstances don't allow me to completely thrive, and I want to give my joy to others as best as I can.

Equity and the inherent worth of every person is a pretty easy thing for me to get behind. I've been trying to understand and empathize with my enemies ever since I was a kid and it's one of the things that supports my beliefs as a prison abolitionist. as a very flawed person, I can't believe that I personally have the right to love and compassion unless it's something I think everyone deserves. if one of us is chained, none of us are free.

Love is at the center of my beliefs. while I can be a bit of a hater sometimes, I still have a deep love for humanity and the world itself. Love with a capital L references how we view God, multiple gods, a patron deity, the spiritual force of the universe, whatever one believes in—there is no place for the concept of a vengeful god that damns his creations to eternal suffering in Unitarian Universalism. I'm a punk anarchist hippie; I want to tear it all down so we can create a heaven on Earth.

Personal Beliefs & Practices

Greek Gods - I envision the gods not so much as literal figures, but embodiments of cosmically-linked universal concepts that can't be conceieved of or worked with unless they're represented as deities. I offer one serving of my "fun food" for the week to a god, usually Apollo or Hera (my patron dieties), and invite blessings for the things I'll need help with the following week. if I'm doing a spell or a ritual, it has to involve a god by name or it won't work. out of all my spiritual practicies, the gods are the most quick to respond to my needs, though they aren't always super direct about it.

Witchcraft - I am mainly focused on divination, creating sigils, minor rituals involving gods, and general maintenance. most of the witchcraft I do takes inspiration from Ancient Greek religious practices and the preferences of relevent gods rather than the vaguely Celtic symbolism found in most Western witchcraft—I cleanse my tarot deck in sunlight rather than moonlight, for example. when it's not based on that, I am far more likely to choose tools depending on what feels right over New Age definitions about crystals' metaphysical properties. I don't believe that any object has innately more magickal properties than another, so it's entirely vibes based for me.

Intuition - I believe that mundane events can be spiritually linked in a concept that Carl Jung described as "synchronicity." signs and symbols that naturally present themeselves to me guide a lot of my decisions. at the same time, I have to be careful not to overthink it, because that just leads to me seeing signs when there are none and not noticing the real ones because I'm not being mindful. my intuition also comes in the form of visions inside my head. some of my visions are based on symbolic imagery alone, like a vision of walking down a stone path through a river three steps at a time (skipping the middle stone) to remind me how to approach writing when I got nitpicky about it. other visions are incredibly vivid re-experienced past events, like the time I was brought back to a negative experience in NYC right before a completely different one that would hit the same emotional beats.

Gender Duality - I can't quite explain it, but I know that my gender duality as both male and female is spiritually important and linked to my identity as a healer. there is a historical basis to the third gender role being that of a spiritual healer or guide in many cultures, though these roles were largely erased from history by colonialism and white supremacy.

Storytelling - my personalities, parts, characters, as well as the immaterial places they exist in are the vehicle of my spiritual growth. I grow by learning to understand them, working with them, and providing them happy endings through fiction writing. I've talked plenty about the importance of symbolism already and the inner worlds my parts exist in are full of it. that spiritual healing is then extended to others once I share my writing with the world. it's not for everyone, but if it's for you, it's going to be very powerful.

Big Questions

the idea of "big questions" comes up at my church sometimes, which are faith-based questions that Unitarian Universalism won't answer for you. I decided to collect a bunch of them here so I can answer them myself. I have left out any questions that would be related to morality, sin, or divine judgement because Unitarian Universalism is very clear about there not being a vengeful God or eternal suffering. if you also have an eclectic faith and find this kind of thing interesting, you're free to use these questions for whatever you want, no credit needed.

What is the meaning of life?

the pursuit of pleasure, joy, and love.

to use my wisdom and storytelling as a way to bring together the misunderstood and those who mistunderstand them, as well as provide healing to both. to find connection with both community and the universe itself.

I technically believe in multiple gods, but I don't view them in the same way that most Pagans do. I also still believe in a spiritual force of the universe, which is separate from individual gods. if I were to connect these two ideas, I'd say that I probably see my pantheon as personalities of the system that is the universe. probably a ridiculous concept if you're not plural, but that's how it feels from my perspective. the spiritual force of the universe doesn't play a big role in my faith by name, though individual gods are obviously very much part of my practices.

offerings with direct prayer when it comes to communicating with the gods. prayers are framed as an invitation for the things I want to enter my life rather than a direct request. outside of that, mindfulness, talking to myself, and making spiritually meaningful creations (usually writing) connects me to the divine in a less god-specific way. I don't think the overall spiritual force pf the universe can be communicated with and trying to do so makes me get in my head about it.

on my service dog's last birthday, she was too old and anxious about the other dogs to run around in the snow at the dog park. when I see visions of her in the afterlife, she's running around in a snowy field by herself, having the time of her life. I don't think I could really describe what happens after we die because I don't think it's something a living person could comprehend, but I know I'll get to run around with her there in the end, and that's all that really matters to me.

I once went to a Kardec Spiritists group, where they talked about their belief in reincarnation for the sake of spiritual growth. I think if there is reincarnation, it's probably like that, but I also think we'd get to choose whether we want to reincarnate again or not.

I don't really know anything about my ancestors, so that doesn't play a huge role in my faith. my service dog, Rosemary, sometimes presents herself through signs, symbols, and just the comforted feelings I'd get if she was around. she also visits me in dreams, and I once visited her in the spirit realm around Halloween. I appreciate her presence, but intentionally trying to draw spirits in isn't part of my faith because I firmly believe in just letting them come to me and I'd get in my head about it if I tried anyway.

with signs and symbols, it changes depending on where I'm at in life. I feel particularly drawn to the moon and local wildlife because I associate it with Rosemary, as those were the things that first communicated to me that her spirit was still with me. nature is probably the best place to be in terms of spirituality, I don't know if I'd use the word sacred but it's important. I don't believe any particular figures are sacred but I think revolutionary leftist faith leaders should be listened to much like one would listen to a prophet.

offerings are an important weekly habit for me, both for maintenance and keeping myself grounded. writing is the most direct way I grow in a spiritual sense, as an extension of my plurality. going to church and spending time with other people who are also on a spiritual journey is a big deal though it feels a little odd calling that a practice because it has more do with community than my individual sense of spirituality. there's also divination and mindfulness, but those aren't an every day thing.